“Don’t be afraid to live your lives.”
That was my takeaway after sitting in on a “partners/family & friends in med school” info session with my aspiring “doctor” fiancée (now Dr. Wife). You can say that we really ran with that, because we’re here now…6-going-on-7 years of marriage and 3 kids later.
A quick overview of our journey in medicine and what our family life consists of…
- Theresa (my better half) getting accepted into her dream med school in 2017
- Getting engaged that same year
- Getting married during her first year in med school in 2018
- Welcoming our first son in 2019
- Me quitting my job at the time to work at a company that allowed me to work remotely and take care of our son
- Welcoming our daughter during Theresa’s last year in med school in 2022
- Theresa matching at a family medicine residency program near our home in WA
- Me quitting my job to become a full-time stay at home dad because child care is ridiculously expensive
- Welcoming our third child and second son in 2023, as Theresa goes into her 2nd year of residency
- Learning that her residency program was unexpectedly SHUTTING DOWN right before the 2024-25 academic year, forcing Theresa and the other residents to frantically find another program before the start of the new year (keep in mind, this is her last year)
- Getting ready to pack up our lives and move to Montana for a program, but through the grace of God, ended up staying in Washington because a program 2 hours away opened an R3 spot JUST for her
- We’re now in our last year in residency and awaiting what the future holds
As you can imagine, this journey has been a rollercoaster for everyone. For me, being on the other side of medicine and navigating through this whole thing as a husband and father, has certainly allowed me to experience things I never imagined - both good and bad.
The part I didn’t recognize at first.
When it comes to “bad experiences,” I’m referring to having gone through some of my darkest moments in life these last couple of years. Like during our daughter’s pregnancy - I started experiencing signs of depression. At the time, though, I didn’t realize it. I just thought, “it’s most likely due to the season. This is normal, you’re okay. Just keep trucking and being strong for everyone. Be a ‘man’ I thought.” Little did I know that mindset was setting me up for postpartum depression.
It’s still weird for me to say I experienced postpartum depression. “How can I even experience this!? It’s not like I was the one carrying our daughter and going through all the hormonal changes.” But it happens, surprisingly, to a lot of men. We just don’t hear much about it because we’re programmed to keep to ourselves and “man up” when it comes to these kinds of things.
However, we may not be physically carrying the baby, but we’re still actively part of the pregnancy, carrying the mental load of not just ourselves, but of our spouse and family, doing everything we can to care for them.
After much prayer and reflection, I eventually sought help through counseling. I acknowledged that I needed help and that it was okay to turn to a professional. Although I only had 2-3 sessions, those sessions were enough to get me back on track and set me up for what was to come as I transitioned into a stay at home dad.
Life as a stay-at-home dad in residency.
Being a stay at home dad with 3 kids (now) under 6 and a husband of a resident physician is very hard and lonely. I spend most of my days overstimulated because of what happens with the kids during the day. There are times, especially during night shifts, where I feel like my wife and I are just roommates.
I feel like I’m doing the parenting 90% of the time, and as much as I want a break, I want to give Theresa a break from work (especially now that her commute is practically 3 hours each day). Aside from the stress she experiences at work, I also see her struggling when it comes to feeling like she’s not fulfilling her role as a wife and mother. Both of us barely get any time to ourselves, and it feels like we’re hanging on by threads majority of the time.
Additionally, I know it’s not as taboo to be a stay at home dad in this day and age, but I can’t help but feel somewhat emasculated. I’ve been brought up to know the role of the man in the family is to lead and provide. I know I’m doing this - while I’m not providing for my family financially, I’m providing in different ways and I’m still looked at and respected as the leader of our household.
However, many people, especially outside of our circle, don’t see that. I know their opinions don’t and shouldn’t matter, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get to me.
Finding the people who understood.
Because of this, I’d often find myself “doom scrolling” on social media to escape and ease whatever blues I was experiencing. I came across a good amount of parenting and faith content, two areas I find super applicable for my current season in life. While I resonated with most of the stuff I was coming across, I felt like it wasn’t hitting the niche i was exactly looking for. So, I decided to fill that niche and start posting whatever I was feeling.
It started off as a creative outlet for me. I would post a lot light-hearted comedy stuff about faith and parenthood, some vulnerable stuff that touched upon more serious topics, everything being true and authentic to what I was experiencing as a stay at home dad and spouse of a resident physician.
As time went on, my content started gaining traction. Not only that, I began connecting with a number of people who are either experiencing or have experienced similar journeys when it comes to family life and residency. I knew I started really hitting my niche when I came across more stay at home dads whose wives were also in medicine.
Social media often gets a bad rep, but in this case, it was a blessing. For once, social media was doing what it was intended to do, to connect complete strangers who are experiencing similar journeys in life and build community.
Two people I’m truly grateful for meeting on social media are Chris and Hannah. They were one of the early accounts that made me feel seen when it came to what I was experiencing as a husband to a resident physician and raising a family during this crazy time of residency. They’re really putting “the other side of medicine” on the map and building a wonderful community of families in medicine.
With Chris and Hannah and many others by our side, Theresa and I feel more confident in heading into our next journey knowing that we aren’t the only ones experiencing this kind of “crazy” life.
What does family life after residency look like? There’s no telling what the future holds, but one thing is certain - it’s all in God’s hands, and, so far, in His hands are like-minded people to help each other get through the ups and downs of this journey.